E. L. Lindley
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Is Violence Part Of The Human Condition? 

6/21/2015

16 Comments

 
I’ve recently read the novel Ultra Violence by Mark Barry (don’t know how to do links so you’re going to have to put in a bit of effort and look it up for yourself but, believe me, it’s well worth it). Anyway, it got me thinking about the concept of violence and whether or not it’s part of our DNA.

I consider myself to be a placid person, I don’t condone violence or wars and the like and think we’d all be better off if we simply talked out issues out or, better yet just let stuff go. Scratch the surface of my Dalai Lama-esque exterior though and I have been known to flip my lid when pushed that fraction of an inch too far. What I’ve been wondering then is this – is that simply the result of my upbringing or, given that we’re only a few evolutionary steps away from the animal world, do we all deep down have a natural propensity to rip someone’s throat out.

There is a scene in Barry’s novel where the protagonist is so savagely attacked at school, it took my breath away. This depiction of brutality is so authentic; I couldn’t help but feel slightly shameful about what might have been going on beneath my nose in schools over the last twenty odd years. There is no cruelty like the cruelty of children and, I’m sure we’ve all endured the merciless taunting when we’ve committed the odd fashion faux pas or had a dodgy hair cut but, when does that cross the line and become bullying?

In our current exam factory schools, there are layers of distance between student and teacher like never before. Primarily because the role of a teacher has transformed since I first qualified in the 1980s. Teachers are now there to get students through exams and there is a whole army of other people who do the rest, pastoral staff who at best are kind and well meaning and at worst unqualified and unsuited to their role. Over the years there have been numerous initiatives put in place to combat bullying and I have no idea how effective they have been. As we are now seeing soaring levels of teenage anxiety and a seeming epidemic of self-harming, I wonder how this correlates to incidences of bullying. One thing's for certain though, schools are too busy tallying up their potential exam results to worry about bullying statistics.

Thinking back to my own school days, I can’t really remember bullying being much of an issue. To be fair, I had an unfair advantage having eight Amazonian aunties, the youngest of whom was only five years my senior. They never had cause to intervene in my affairs but the unspoken threat was always there – start on me and they’ll batter you. It was only when reading Ultra Violence that I recalled an incident from my first week of secondary school, when I would have been eleven. Another first year girl was attacked by a classmate and beaten so badly she was hospitalised. The girl never returned to school and her attacker, a strangely unassuming girl, carried on her school life without any further episodes. It was as if the whole thing had never happened. In fact, all of the first year girls were called to a special assembly, where the head teacher warned that anyone caught gossiping about what had occurred would be punished. Bizarrely, nobody ever mentioned it again and I have no idea what happened to the injured girl as, so effectively was it brushed under the carpet I’d forgotten all about it, until now forty years later.

I may not have witnessed systematic bullying but my childhood was littered with lots of casual violence, which at the time seemed completely normal. My parents were what you would consider ordinary, well meaning people and yet the message during my formative years was – if someone hits you then you hit them back twice as hard. There was no point going home whining if you’d been the recipient of a slap or a punch, as the first question that would be asked was – did you hit them back? It’s with a mixture of disbelief and horror that I recall once being hit by a large stone thrown by another girl. I was about ten at the time and ran home with blood pouring down my leg. My dad gave me a bat and told me to go and hit the stone thrower with it as hard as I could. Suffice to say she probably had quite a headache and presumably her stone throwing days were behind her.

There were other instances where I came off the worse for wear, in fights that often blew up over something and nothing. I once limped home with my face clawed and missing clumps of hair after a girl, whose shoe I had thrown into a quagmire, wreaked her revenge. My parents never batted an eye because it was roundly accepted that I had it coming. Looking back, with our modern day sensibilities, it beggars belief but my family were no different to anyone else’s. There was no turning the other cheek round our way. Times have changed, however, and what was acceptable in the 70s is no longer the type of thing you’re inclined to mention.

Not mentioning it though doesn’t mean it’s not there, beneath the surface like a volcano waiting to erupt. We all like to pretend that we’re far too civilised to partake in scenes of violence, distancing ourselves by demonising those who end up in brawls. The idiots scrapping over Black Friday bargains or the nut cases who end up in fist fights over seats on planes, not to mention the animals rampaging around town after a few pints at the football.

How many of you though, like me, find yourselves seething in silence full of unexpressed rage? I sometimes wonder if the day will come when I actually punch the cinema phone pest in the face or stab the business man, taking up 4/5ths of the train seat, in the eye with my teaspoon rather than just think about it. We live in stressful times and, as the pressure rises, maybe that bubbling lava of violence buried so deep we pretend it’s not there, will rise to the surface like a toxic cloud.

There’s no doubt that violence is a bit of a dirty word but it’s an interesting concept none the less. Whether we like it or not, it’s all around us and maybe a little bit closer to home than we want to admit. Maybe it’s part of the human condition, maybe it’s learned or maybe it’s a response to feelings of powerlessness and alienation. I don’t have any answers but maybe we need to start asking some questions. 


16 Comments

How Mindful Are You? 

6/7/2015

4 Comments

 
Over the past few months or so, I’m sure you’ve not been able to avoid noticing the word ‘mindfulness’ popping up here there and everywhere. I noticed it first on social media sites and then, before long, I was nodding sagely as friends dropped it into conversations, even though I hadn’t a clue what it meant.

Finally, my curiosity overcame my deep seated idleness and this week I googled it. Turns out, for those of you even more lazy than me, it sort of means living in the moment. It does make a lot of sense that we should all be striving to live in the present rather than the past or future but, in reality, how many of us manage to pull it off?

In the name of research then, I have carried out my own investigations and despite everyone I asked acknowledging that the present is where it’s at, nobody actually fully resided there. It’s pretty much even-stevens when it comes to my official statistical evidence, half claimed to live in the past and the rest, myself included, in the future. What is it then that we find so hard about savouring the moment?

If you think back to when you were a child, it was all about the moment. You’d have good days and bad days but each day was a new day. Arguments could be fierce and rowdy but there was no such thing as a grudge. Kids have it out with each other, maybe someone ends up with a punch in the nose but then it’s all forgotten or at least that’s how I remember it. I had what would probably now be termed as a frenemy called Tina (sorry Tina if you’re reading) and I have never experienced such emotional highs and lows as I did during our friendship. Every day, however, we started off as friends, regardless of the hair pulling, name calling and scrapping that had gone on the day before.

So let’s consider then what changes once we’ve metamorphosed into grown-ups. We all know people who live in the past. My grandma, who lived to be 97, had both feet firmly pre 1965 in all the time I knew her. She was a fabulous raconteur, there’s no doubt about that, but all her stories were about what had gone before. Meanwhile, she would sit next to the gas fire in her bedsit, reading Mills and Boon books and eating Mintoes but making no new memories at all. For whatever reason, she’d given up on the future and decided she preferred it in the past and there’s something profoundly sad about that.

I suppose if we live in the past we have complete control. We know what the outcome of our stories is going to be because they’ve already happened. Further still, we can embellish and construct our own version of the past, which affords us ultimate control. The world can seem like a scary place, especially for people like my grandma who was widowed early and lost two of her children in early adulthood. Maybe sometimes it is easier to just bunker down and stick with what we know.

Then there’s the old chestnut, unfinished business, which can leave people rooted in the past Miss Havisham style. This week I grilled friends and acquaintances who spoke longingly of the past and had a whole host of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’. The spectre of the life we could have had is it seems alive and well.  One friend talked about choosing to leave a job she loved for a better paid one but subsequently never again felt the sense of fulfilment she’d felt in the first job, despite it being over 20 years ago. Another moved from London to a more rural area so that her children could enjoy a more ‘innocent’ childhood but has spent the last 15 years fantasising about the life she left behind. Is it possible to take a wrong turn or do we simply look at the alternative version of our lives through rose tinted glasses?

I have to confess that the past is not for me. I have no unfinished business and no regrets. Much as I have loved my life, I don’t hanker after re-living anything that I’ve done. Before I get too sanctimonious though, I’m no more ‘mindful’ than anyone else. Instead my focus tends to be on what’s around the corner rather than the here and now. I’m still waiting for my best years even though, at a couple of months shy of my 53rd birthday, some might call me seriously deluded. However, if I thought the best was behind me, I don’t think I’d be able to find the enthusiasm to go on. I’ve had a great life so far but sitting next to the gas fire reminiscing is not for me.

There’s the danger though that, so caught up am I in planning and scheming what’s still to come, I’m missing what’s under my nose in the here and now. A sobering thought that we would all do well to heed is that there are no guarantees of a tomorrow. Instead of day dreaming about my future life, maybe I ought to spend more time cherishing the moments in the life I have right now.

Let’s face it, it’s all well and good planning on being a bestselling novelist, languishing on George Clooney’s yacht with my bikini ready body but what if today was my last day and I missed it. And so in the words of that old brain box Albert Einstein, “Life is a preparation for the future; and the best preparation for the future is to live as if there were none.” Let’s go out there and seize that day! 

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Have You Done Your Happiness Audit? 

5/24/2015

23 Comments

 
This week I read a strangely moving post by the film director Kevin Smith, who has recently shed 44lbs in weight. By his own admission, most of Smith’s life has been spent as a ‘round’ person and he had always assumed that his lack of happiness stemmed from that. He looked at thin people and imagined that they were the ones having all the fun. He’s now joined their ranks but, surprise surprise, his life’s not actually that much different thus scattering all of his long held beliefs about happiness into the wind.

At the same time, I came across an article written by an American self-help guru, who suggests we should all be conducting regular happiness audits. The premise of the article is that if we all paid as much mind to our emotional well being as we do to say, the running condition of our cars, then we’d be a lot better off. I suppose there’s some wisdom in that but, the truth is happiness is a strange and elusive concept.

The reality is, as anyone who has been kicking about this planet for any length of time will tell you, life is made up of happiness, misery and a whole lot of other emotions that fall somewhere in-between. It seems to me that sometimes people might actually be a lot happier if they stopped expecting to feel the highs of the ecstatic kind of happiness that comes, if we’re lucky, every once in a while. Settling instead for the everyday contentment of enjoying the little pleasures that life offers.

All too often we end up constructing barriers to our own well being by placing constraints on happiness. If only I had more money, if only I didn’t have to go to work, if only I was slimmer – does it sound familiar? There are so many pitfalls that, if we’re not careful, we can easily fall victim to but in the end none of them matter a jot.

Money is probably the number one reason that most of us use to avoid taking responsibility for our own happiness. Obviously, we need a certain amount of money to have any quality of life whatsoever and unemployment and poverty are possibly the biggest sources of misery and a blight on our society. That said there has to come a point when enough is enough. Were I to work full-time, I would earn a good wage and I appreciate how lucky I am to be in that position. I choose, however, to work just enough hours that I can get by and still enjoy the free time I need to pursue writing and other pastimes.

So what’s the problem, I hear you ask? You’d think I’d scored the happiness jackpot and yet I still manage to sabotage my own emotional well being on a regular basis. Happiness’ biggest enemy is, in my opinion, when we start to compare ourselves with others and covet what they have. Every now and again, I feel that twinge of envy as friends take off on their exotic holidays or I’m invited to their stylish homes, and I convince myself that working full-time would be worth it. The truth is though, it never is and for me, there lies the road to misery and stress.

It seems then that the key to happiness is knowing who we are and understanding what our needs are. There’s no blueprint for happiness because we’re all different. Just as I’m happiest with the optimum of free time others only feel truly fulfilled by the exhilaration of a successful career. Why is it then that we spend so much time wishing for that which will take us away from who we really are?

How many of us fully appreciate the life we have? I would say along with money, the only other requirement for happiness is health. The good health of ourselves and loved ones should be a daily source of joy to us and yet we continually take it for granted. I led a charmed existence until 2004, when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The tragedy is though, I didn’t even know how blessed my life was as I moaned and complained and squandered those everyday moments that form the backbone of our lives.

Throughout the two years of my dad’s illness, I came face to face with the reality of just how cruel life can be. Not only through my own family’s heartbreak but through the stories of the countless other families we met along the way. Parents of teenagers with a terminal illness, newlyweds faced with a death sentence before the ink had even set on their marriage certificate or the woman who, Solomon style, had to choose between her own chance of survival and that of her unborn child. Endless horror stories that caused me to silently promise that, never again would I fail to give thanks for the simple joy of being alive and healthy.

The shameful truth is my devotion to basking in the here and now didn’t last for very long. I was soon back to bitching and whining, wasting what I have by worrying about what I don’t have. So maybe the happiness guru is right and we do need to take stock of ourselves on a regular basis. Count our blessings and look for ways of tipping the balance in favour of being happy. Just like any gardener will tell you, we need to rip out even the smallest trace of negativity and its bedfellow misery before it can take root.


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Middle-Age No-Go Areas 

5/10/2015

20 Comments

 
During a conversation with my friend this weekend, we deduced that there are certain things that are no longer do-able once you reach a certain age. Strangely though (and this was verified by a woman on the next table, who joined in with our musings when her husband went to the bar), these things are not fixed and each of us have our own peculiarly personal middle-age no-go areas.

The conversation came about when my very young at heart friend, bemoaned the fact that she thinks she’s lost her rhythm and her dancing days could be over. She’d been to a party the night before and, try as she might; she wasn’t able to get her groove on. Consequently, she’s decided that for her dancing might be a middle-age no-no.

Now, as someone who likes to bust a few moves around the house on a regular basis, I have to disagree. I haven’t lost my rhythm, quite possibly because I never had any to begin with. My dancing has always been more staggering around to the music than Billy Elliot. I have three main moves, any of which you’re likely to see if there’s alcohol involved. The first is a sort of pogo style and best suits anything lively like The Pogues or the Ramones. The second is my own interpretation of Northern Soul dancing and involves lots of spinning and careering about wildly so it’s not to be recommended in a confined space. I’ve smashed my shin on the coffee table and decimated enough vases to state that categorically. Lastly, I have my own signature move which is a shuffling variation on the sidewinder, it’s more versatile than you might think and suits most tempos. So you see, I’m quite the expert and don’t intend giving up my dancing days until I break a hip.

My friend’s other bugbear is that she fears she can no longer wear sleeveless tops or show off her magnificent cleavage without looking, well – old. Let’s face it, nobody wants to see flabby arms and a sun damaged wrinkly looking chest. Luckily for me though, I have no such problem. And no, not because I have miraculously retained a glowing, youthful physique but because I’ve never favoured the sleeveless, cleavage look. Even as a young woman, I was more of a buttoned up kind of gal. My favourite item of clothing is and always has been the good old cardigan. I like nothing better than a stylish little collar, whether on a dress or a shirt and, couple this with a cardi, and I’m in fashion heaven. My arms and chest have never seen the light of day so I’m not likely to be mourning the fact that I’ve had to retire them from service any time soon.

I do have my own set of no-go areas, however.  The first of which is fairgrounds or indeed anything that involves sudden movement. I’ve always loved the fun of the fair – the noise and excitement of knowing you could be stabbed at any minute, but not anymore. My decline started a couple of Christmases ago when I visited Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland with my sister. One ride rendered me helplessly puking up my hot dog into the nearest bin and a pattern was formed. Now, I’m likely to be travel sick at the first sign of a jolt. The curious thing is, as a child I suffered from terrible travel sickness. On school trips, I was always the kid who had to sit up front with the coach driver, clutching the plastic bucket. Once I reached my teens though, I was cured. I binned all those anti-sickness pills and never gave it another thought. Until now that is, when it’s back like a bad penny and I place the blame squarely at old age’s door.

Another casualty of middle-age is good old fashioned flirting. Now, I have to confess that as a young woman, I never favoured flirting as a pastime. It was too fraught with danger – giving young men the wrong idea and who in God’s name wants to flirt with old codgers when they’re in the prime of life. Once I hit those thirties and forties though, I discovered that a cheeky wink and a bit of harmless flattery went a long way in making the world go around. Sadly, in my fifties I find I’m back to square one. Flirting with middle-aged men just gets their hopes up and flirting with young men is frankly creepy. So I’ve come full circle to the asexual, no-nonsense approach of my younger years.

There is an upside to all this however and one unexpected delight is the way middle-aged women flirt with each other. Whenever I meet friends these days, there is always a gush of compliments as we fall over each other to admire new hairdos, shoes or gym toned bodies. The envy and competitive edge that can be a sad by-product of women’s friendship is no more and we can just revel in each other’s middle-aged loveliness. In fact, I think I like it better than flirting with men who, let’s face it when compared to women, are flirting amateurs.

Another strange upside is the attentiveness I now find myself getting from young men. I’d grown accustomed to having doors slammed in my face by strapping young twenty-somethings, whose world view seemed to be dog eat dog. Somehow all that’s changed and I find I’ve slipped into crazy old grandma territory with all of the benefits that brings with it. These overgrown boys now fall over themselves to save me from my own incompetence, carrying my drinks to the table or helping me to figure out how to scan my card at the cinema (don’t even ask!). Young men are suddenly smiley and chatty where they were once surly louts and, you know what, I quite like being a dotty old bat.

There’s no denying then that age brings with it many changes, lots of which you’d never have anticipated in a million years. If you’re an old fogey like me you no doubt have your own no-go areas. As for any bright young things out there, all I can say is – ha ha ha! 


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Happy Anniversary (short story) 

5/3/2015

10 Comments

 
It’s funny how you’re invisible when you’re on your own. I’ve been sitting here, nursing this empty cup for nigh on forty minutes, but I can’t catch the girl’s eye for a top up. I could shout her over I suppose but I’m not one to make a fuss.

We used to come here every week, me and my Jack. Every Thursday regular as clockwork, before the market and the weekly shop, we’d call in here for a pot of tea for two and cake. Jack, he’d have the carrot cake and I’d have a scone. I’m not fond of all that icing as a rule but, today, I’ve had the carrot cake. It’s fifty years since we got wed, you see, so I had to do something to show it matters.

I lost him, my Jack, just before Christmas. He’d not been himself for a while, but you know what men are like – you can’t tell them anything. I begged him to go to the doctors but he knew best. In the end he had no choice, he had an episode while we were at our Karen’s and she phoned for an ambulance. He didn’t like it, he played merry hell but our Karen was having none of it. She’s a school teacher and you know what they’re like.

Anyway they admitted him straight away. It was awful, all that illness everywhere and for the first three nights they couldn’t even find him a bed on a ward. He was stuck in admissions with all those geriatrics they bring in from the care homes. I knew as soon as I saw the young doctor’s face it wasn’t good, but they didn’t tell us anything – they had to do tests, they said. In the end, our Karen demanded to see someone in charge and they took us into a little side room and told us. Lung cancer.

And that was that, he only lasted six weeks. Never saw his garden again; I think that’s what bothered me most. He loved that garden and he never got to, you know – say goodbye. If we’d known ... but we didn’t so there’s no point in dwelling on it. During the last weeks, before he went, he couldn’t talk but his eyes, I could see everything in his eyes. He wanted to be at home, in his chair, saying goodbye to his garden not stuck in that hospital. But we’re not ones to make a fuss.

The only time we’d ever been apart before he got took in was when I’d had our Karen. They kept you in longer then; it wasn’t like now when you’re in and out in a day. I was in a week, she was my first you see, and my Jack he would come to the maternity ward every day after he’d done work. A big daft smile on his face, even though he’d been working since six and doing real work, mind you, not like now when everybody just sits around answering phones all day. No, my Jack did back breaking work in the rolling mill, he used to say it was like being in hell but he never complained – not really.

All he ever wanted to do was make a life for me and our Karen. He was a good man; I knew that the first time I ever clapped eyes on him. I’d gone dancing with my pal, June Davies, she’s gone as well now, God rest her soul. I hadn’t wanted to go; I wasn’t one for going out much. I’d just started a job at Woolworths and was trying to save up for a new winter coat but, June, she was a wild one, out every night June was. Mind, things were different in those days, kids today don’t believe you when you tell them how the dances finished by half past ten. There were no nightclubs and none of that anti-social behaviour either. Anybody trying any of that would have got a clip from the bobby and God help them when they got home. No, not like now.

I spotted Jack straight away but he never asked me to dance. He didn’t even look my way, just stood in the corner with a cigarette in his mouth, like Paul Newman in that film Hud. It was only when I was walking home with June and her fella that he plucked up the nerve to talk to me. He told me after, once we were courting, how he’d been too scared to say anything in the dance hall because he didn’t know how to dance – the daft sod. That was my Jack though, always had to cover up what he was really feeling with that tough guy act. I keep thinking I should have pushed him harder, made him go to the doctors. “There’s nowt up with me,” he’d say, “Stop your fretting, woman.” And I just wanted to believe him.

It’s getting busy now and the girl’s finally looking at me. I’m taking up a table so I suppose I should get going. There’s no point in me doing a weekly shop, I can’t be bothered cooking when a cup of tea and a piece of toast’s enough for me. It’s the quiet I can’t stand. The quiet of an empty house. I try and stay out as long as I can; I sit in the park, kill time in Sainsbury’s, anything to avoid going home too soon. Once that door’s shut, that’s it, I’m on my own. I watch my soaps and do my puzzles but it’s not the same. I mean, our Karen tries to help but she’s got her own life and I don’t want her worrying about me.

It feels like the biggest part of me is gone anyway – missing and I know it’s never coming back. I wonder sometimes how long I’ve got left. It’s like having a foot in both worlds; I’m here still alive but not really. My heart’s gone. That’s with Jack, wherever he is. I talk to him all the time and I can hear him calling me all sorts of silly old fools but nothing’s the same now he’s not here. I miss him, you see. We were together so long it’s like we’d become one being. Me and my Jack. 


10 Comments

Lust For Life 

4/19/2015

13 Comments

 
I seem to be experiencing a rather unexpected lust for life. One minute I was moping about in my usual misanthropic, middle-aged style and the next I’ve got a spring in my step like a geriatric teenager. I know, I know, a bit of sunshine can do that to a person, but that’s not the half of it.

It has to be said, I love a new season, complete with all the promise that it represents. I love boots and woollens more than most but, after spending the last six months layered up to the max, I’m ready to cast off those shackles and embrace a bit of fake tan. I’m no hot house flower though and so there’s just a small window of opportunity for me to actually rock a nice summer frock. Give me another couple of months and I’ll be bending your ear about the lack of shade and the perils of descending from some pasty Irish village where presumably the sun never shone.

The moral of this story then is that I’m intending to strike while the iron’s hot (well fair to middling anyway). I can’t afford to wait until my body is ‘beach ready’ and neither can you. It’s all about the here and now. I’ve spent a big part of my adult life waiting for the day when everything comes together in a synthesis of perfection. You know, that day when I’m a stone lighter, I can afford those Vivienne Westwood sandals and my over-bleached highlights have settled down. Well, no more!  I’m owning that spare tyre and there’s nothing a bit of hair serum can’t cure.

Before you start wondering if I’ve got a touch of sunstroke – that’s not it. No, I’m basking in the Betty Blue effect. I recently watched the four hour director’s cut and, if you haven’t seen it then you really don’t know what you’re missing. Anybody who was around in the 80s can’t have failed to have been bewitched by the gorgeous Beatrice Dalle. There were posters in bedrooms all over the nation as young men wanted to go out with her and young women wanted to be her. The director’s cut is something else though and four better hours I have not spent. The moral of this particular story being that Jean-Jacques Beineix was told no-one would watch a four hour film and was therefore compelled to chop it down to two. Realistically, I suppose he had to bow to pressure from the distributers or his film wouldn’t have been released at all but isn’t it time we stopped worrying what other people may or may not do?

We are told that in today’s instant gratification demanding society, people won’t accept anything that might prove challenging or time consuming. We all allegedly lead such busy lives that we want short books, short films, food to eat on the go and so we have our 24 hour, dumbed down, uniform society and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What if instead of blaming those other ‘philistinic idiots’ for this gradual eradication of our cultural life, we try looking at the man in the mirror? What do you do to support the arts? When was the last time you went to an art exhibition, visited your local independent cinema or even read an indie book? I’m already filling my next few weekends with visits to a gallery, independent theatre and a poetry reading. After all, it’s use it or lose it and do we really want a diet of only mainstream, formulaic arts, all cut and measured into bite-sized, easy to manage pieces for us?

I also saw the Ben Stiller film While We’re Young this week which was a bit of a revelation. I have to confess, I’m not big on comedy and tend to get Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler mixed up but something about this film drew me in and I’m glad it did. It turned out to be as thought provoking as it was funny and challenged the way we get to a certain age and become defined by our fixed ideas of who we are. For instance, ten years ago a couple of after work drinks would more than likely turn into a visit to a club or a gig. Bumping into friends or acquaintances unexpectedly inevitably led to some kind of adventure. Now, if I’m not in bed by 10.30 on a work night, I start to feel anxious and, if I bump into an old friend, I’m already mentally rifling through my excuses before they’ve even gotten around to suggesting a quick drink. Whatever happened to going with the flow?

The only certainties in life are birth and death. We all survived the former, given that we’re alive and kicking but we tend to avoid thinking about the latter? The truth is though, there are no guarantees and none of us know how long we might get. Just as there’s no point in putting off living until we get that ‘beach ready’ body, can we really afford to waste days by saying no to adventure. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being in your pyjamas by 9pm, over dosing on chocolate and Don Draper but, is that really how you want to spend your days? Why should Don Draper get all the fun – you can bet your life if he got the chance of an adventure it would be work night be damned?

I know, I know, the fact of the matter is Don Draper is a lecherous, sad drunk with serious avoidance issues and poor old Betty Blue was most likely bipolar. None of us in our right minds would really want to aspire to have their lives but can’t we just borrow a little bit of that je ne sais quoi that gives them such a lust for living? Let’s get out there and make the best of what we’ve got, whether that’s a trip to the theatre or a walk in the sunshine. After all, as my dear departed grandma used to be fond of saying – we’re a long time dead. 


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BLOOD MONEY (Georgie Connelly stories - Book 5) 

4/5/2015

2 Comments

 
Well, I'm pleased to report that the new Georgie Connelly story, Blood Money, is completed in draft form. I am now in the process of editing and proofreading but thought I'd give you a little taster of how it's going so far. This is the fifth story in the series and in it Georgie and James find themselves in London. 



About an hour later, Georgie and James rejoined Marilyn and Serena in the musty living room. A tray of sandwiches had been prepared along with a pot of tea and a slab of fruit cake.
“Come and sit down,” Serena gushed. “Help yourselves to sandwiches. How do you take your tea, James?”
“Actually ma’am, I wonder if I might trouble you for a cup of coffee?” Serena’s expression momentarily tightened in disapproval before she fixed him with a bright smile.
“Of course. Georgina, darling, go and have a hunt around in the kitchen, I’m sure there’s some coffee somewhere.” Shooting an amused glance in James’ direction, Georgie made for the kitchen unable to contain a smirk as he clung closely to her heels.

She waited until they reached the safety of the kitchen before rounding on him, laughing gleefully.
“Don’t tell me you’re scared of being left alone with two little old ladies?”
“Hell yes! Those two would eat me alive.” Georgie began removing jars from a cupboard, inspecting the labels as she did so.
“Fucking hell, the sell by date on this sauce is 2004. Are you sure you want coffee?”
“Coffee doesn’t spoil does it?”
“I’m sure if it’s been here since the 1800s it’s not going to taste that great.”
“I’m guessing your aunt isn’t the domesticated type?”
“I think she prefers to see herself as the bohemian type.”

Georgie continued rummaging in the cupboards with James peering over her shoulder.
“There’s some chicory,” she observed, “And look, some dandelion coffee.”
“Please tell me there’s some regular coffee.”
“Here we go, a jar of Mellow Birds best before April, 2009.”
“What in God’s name is Mellow Birds? Is that like regular coffee? Take off the lid.” Georgie unscrewed the lid and sniffed at the jar’s contents.
“It smells like coffee,” she said, pushing it towards James’ face. “Do you want to risk it?”
“I never heard of anybody being poisoned by coffee, did you?”

Georgie shrugged, switching on the kettle before systematically opening the remaining cupboards in search of a mug.
“I suppose if there was a nuclear holocaust and we had to hide underground we’d drink it.”
“Where’s the nearest store?”
“Just down the road.”
“I’ll be back in five.” James let himself quietly out of the house and Georgie returned to the living room, helping herself to a huge chunk of cake.
“Where’s James?” Marilyn demanded.
“He’s gone to the shop.”
“The shop? What on earth for?” Serena gasped.
“Coffee, we couldn’t find any.”
“Well that’s probably because most civilised people prefer tea.”
“He’s American,” Marilyn said as if that explained everything.

Taking a bite out of the cake, Georgie was surprised that it actually tasted pretty good.
“This is delicious, Aunt Serena, did you bake it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Georgina, when would I have time to bake? The girl next door has set up some sort of cake making business venture. To be honest, I can’t keep up with the girl, last month it was jewellery making.”
“Well that’s good, isn’t it?” Georgie spoke around a mouthful of cake. “She’s showing enterprise and they’re both creative endeavours.”
“There’s nothing creative about making a cake, dear,” Serena said sniffily.

Georgie was relieved to hear the slamming of the door, heralding James’ return. Her aunt might leave her alone if she had an uncivilised foreigner to pick on. Nursing a mug of coffee, his face mirroring the intense anticipation of a junkie about to have his latest fix, James made his way carefully to the sofa.
“I hope it’s worth it,” Georgie smiled as he lowered himself into the seat next to her. “What did you get?”
“They only had the one kind, a brand I’ve never heard of.” She pulled a face, her smirk leaving James in little doubt of how much pleasure she was deriving from his distress.
“Well good luck.” Taking a huge sip, a myriad of emotions flickered across his face before he shuddered dramatically.

He turned to Georgie, his face a mixture of revulsion and betrayal.
“We’ll take a walk in a bit and find some real coffee,” she soothed. “Have a sandwich and some cake, you’ll feel better when you’ve had something to eat.”
“I’ve never understood the American preoccupation with coffee,” Serena huffed.
Georgie rolled her eyes, “Aunt Serena, everybody drinks coffee. There’s a Starbucks on every corner for Christ’s sake.”
“I can see you still possess the same sharp tongue, Georgina. I thought the years might have mellowed you.”
“Ahh!” Marilyn crowed triumphantly, “If anything she’s worse.”

Leaning into her, James gave a gentle nudge that she knew was his way of urging her not to bite. Instead she offered her mother a long suffering look, opting to remain silent and take the moral high ground.
“I keep telling her, it’s a very unattractive quality. Men don’t like women who are too tart. It takes a little bit of sugar to get anywhere in this world. Even Mary Poppins knew that and she was a spinster.”
“No dear,” Serena corrected, “She had that chap – the chimneysweep.”

Georgie’s good intentions instantly evaporated into a red mist.
“What?” she screeched. “Have you heard yourselves? Marilyn, you are a fucking black widow and, Aunt Serena, you are like the original spinster. I’m surprised you haven’t got a houseful of cats.”
“That’s enough!” Marilyn rebuked, “We’re guests in Serena’s home and you are being incredibly rude.”
“The problem is,” Serena spoke to Marilyn as if Georgie and James weren’t even there, “We all overcompensated for the fact that she was such a pitiful little thing and I’m afraid we spoiled her.”

Inhaling sharply, Georgie was about to explode when she felt James’ hand on her arm.
“Why don’t we go for a walk now?” he said in a rush. “I think we could all do with a bit of space. I really need some coffee.” Georgie rose stiffly from the sofa, levelling a venomous look at her aunt.
“I think that’s probably wise,” she ground out before flouncing from the room. It was only when she and James had turned the corner and her aunt’s house was no longer in sight that she realised it was drizzling with rain and she wasn’t wearing a coat.



2 Comments

It's A Man's World 

3/15/2015

6 Comments

 
It was International Women’s day on March 8th, a day where we saw lots of public recognition for all the achievements women have made both personally and professionally. We’re so used to seeing women in high profile positions now; we hardly bat an eyelid anymore at the sight of the Angela Merkels and Hilary Clintons, wielding significant power in a world arena.

Whilst applauding the women who’ve had the courage and tenacity to smash their way into, what was traditionally a man’s world, I think it’s easy to forget that in a lot of ways women’s lives are every bit as restricted as they’ve ever been. When Patricia Arquette recently made an Oscar acceptance speech, drawing attention to the need for more to be done where women’s rights are concerned, she was rounded upon by some minority groups, who claimed that as a rich, white woman she didn’t know what she was talking about. I’m sure Patricia has enjoyed a privileged life but, given she was accepting the award for a role where she played a single mother trying to raise two children, I think it’s fair to say she probably wasn’t issuing the rallying cry on her own behalf.

So, let’s examine the facts. It’s a fact that women still earn less than men. According to official statistics the gender pay gap in the UK currently stands at 19.9%. I have worked in a variety of schools and the one thing they’ve all had in common is that, although teaching is a profession dominated by women, almost all of the senior positions are held by men. I’m sure education is not the only world where this is viewed as the norm. The abhorrent practice of zero-hour contracts, which afford workers none of the basic employment rights such as sick pay, holiday pay or a guaranteed income, preys on those in the lowest socio-economic grouping, which tends to be women.  Those of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s will probably remember the days when our dads went out to work and our mothers, if they worked at all, did so for ‘pin money’ to supplement the primary income of the male wage earner. We all thought we’d moved on from that but what we have now is arguably worse. Lots of women are still earning ‘pin money’ but trying to bring up children single-handedly thus the ‘pin money’ is now the main income. Talk to these women about all the achievements women have enjoyed in the last 40 years or so and they’ll probably laugh in your face.

Madonna is another high profile female recently ridiculed for her views on women and sexuality. Now, I feel at this point I should point out that Madonna is one of my least favourite people on the planet but, fair play to her, she was right when she said that society still views women in terms of ‘good girls’ or ‘whores’. The recent Ched Evans' rape case starkly reminded us how a lot of people define rape. If you’re a ‘nice girl’, who doesn’t get drunk and run wild then the consensus is – lock that rapist up and throw away the key. If you’re the other type of girl though - well, I’m afraid you had it coming.

The portrayal of women and what people will accept is interesting to me for a whole host of reasons and I think it really impacts upon how I write. The predominant books being marketed by and for women seem to pretty much fall into 3 categories. There are the ones that deal with the angst of relationships. They tend to be middle class women who are trying to ‘find’ themselves as they navigate being a wife and a mother. I’m not a wife or a mother and so these stories say nothing to me. Next we have chick-lit, where a ‘feisty’ young thing has a series of mad-cap adventures basically just killing time until some bloke marries her. Lastly we have, in my view, the most pernicious of the 3, which is erotica. We are sold the idea that it is empowering for women and that finally we are being represented as sexual beings. Well, I’m sorry but I don’t think cavorting around in a basque whilst being whipped or raped is how I want to celebrate my sexuality.

The kinds of novels that, for me have the most interesting things to say, are the ones where writers send their protagonists on existential adventures in order to explore what it is to be human. Novels that aren’t afraid to be edgy like Hunter S Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or Nick Cave’s The Death of Bunny Monroe. What would happen then if Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing was female? My guess is she’d be viewed as mentally unstable and institutionalised like Blanche Dubois for her own welfare. Okay, so maybe I exaggerate but I’m sure that when male writers develop their male protagonists, they don’t have to limit their ideas in the same way women do.

When I first created the Georgie Connelly character, I wanted her to be a free spirit but I soon realised that she could only be free within certain parameters. If I wanted anyone to read about her then I had to avoid certain things – she could drink but not too much, she couldn’t sleep around and a few readers have complained that she swears too much. The main criteria that women readers want in their fiction, however, is a male character hovering in the background somewhere waiting to rush in and save the day. And when I say readers, I’m just as guilty as anyone else. I’ve created the kinds of male characters that I like to read about and they are the very characters who prevent even our imaginary females from taking charge of their own lives. It seems to me that our reading tastes reflect how little we have actually progressed as women, because we still want to read about worlds in which women conform to the ideal of being someone’s girlfriend, wife or mother.

Although I agree with Madonna’s words, I also think that she is part of the problem. Her entire career is based upon one definition of femininity – thin, youthful and driven. I believe that when someone offers us the alternative of a woman who is flabby, promiscuous, not in the flush of youth, with no idea of where she’s heading and no prospect of a male sidekick and we accept her in the same way we do Raoul Duke or Bunny Monroe, then we might be on our way to equality.

6 Comments

Welcome To The Jungle (short story) 

2/25/2015

19 Comments

 
Fuck! I hate parents’ evenings. Well, actually, let’s be straight about this from the get-go, I hate my shitty job period. I have a particular loathing for parents’ evenings though and not for the reasons you may be thinking.

Oh I can see you sitting there, all righteous with your pursed lips and indignant flush, thinking this woman shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children but hear me out. It’s not the fact that, having already spent eight hours at work I’m looking at at least another three, no, that’s not my gripe. The thing that bothers me most is the way I’m dropped, without even a by your leave, straight into a potential war zone. There’s snipers lying in wait everywhere and there’s no way of knowing who the fuck is going to jump out and ambush me.

It could be the mother of some kid I teach in another year group entirely, just wanting to take the opportunity to tell me what a crap job I’m doing. It’s the same old story of how her little princess was gifted and talented back in primary so how come she’s making no progress at all on my watch? How the fuck am I supposed to know? I won’t have too much time to dwell though because I’ve got to keep an eye out for the head teacher, who’s going to be huffing and puffing and getting all aerated about why I haven’t inputted my mid-term data, despite the fact it was due in three weeks ago. Pepper sprayed with words like incompetence and proceedings, if I listened I’d get that anxious build-up so it’s probably best if I just block out the noise.

That’s not the worst of it though because even bunkered down; focusing on the alcohol I’m going to consume once this battle is over, danger can strike at any moment. I could still find myself like Reagan or Brezhnev back in the 1980s, hoping like hell that the other has enough sense of survival not to press that big red button. His weapon, the final nail in the coffin that is my pathetic career, a career I need much more than I want, while mine is a secret that could destroy his entire life, taking his wife and kids out as collateral damage.

And that’s exactly how I find myself now, my worst nightmare bearing down on me, sweating like a pig in a cheap suit. A heavy stillness hangs over the small desk, his wife leaning forward and pointing at something in the kid’s report – maybe it’s his mid-term data. He eyes me blankly as we both silently wonder how this is going to play out, his wife’s voice still trying to penetrate my no-noise zone.

It’s a risk that’s always there, the chance of a catastrophic mid-air collision between real life and this fake pretence. I wonder momentarily if it’s pretence for this angry, little woman who’s still jabbing at the piece of paper. Does she really give a shit about the kid’s residuals? This lumbering man child sitting between them, who couldn’t string a sentence together even if his very life depended on it. Do any of these parents milling around the room, still in their work clothes, faces tired and grey after their own eight hour work days, really think any of this matters?

The man clears his throat and I look from her to him, my thoughts getting away from me, fluttering back to the last time I saw him, less than twenty four hours ago. It was a mistake, all of it. Drinking on a school night is never a good idea but my friend Hannah has the kind of job where there are no school nights. We’re the last two standing, all the others having fallen by the wayside, worshipping at the shrine of motherhood. We’re the kind of women the tabloids like to warn you about. The new breed of women, who won’t see middle-age because our livers will be well and truly fucked. According to the Daily Mail, a myriad of health problems will make us a drain on the taxpayer’s purse but think of what we’ll save you in pensions. 

Anyway back to last night, Hannah wanted to celebrate her promotion and, as I said, as far as cheerleaders go – I’m it. We’d planned on going out for a meal, you know like real grown-ups do. And we did, at a nice Mexican restaurant where mid-week margaritas were two for one and you don’t need me to spell out where that kind of deal can lead a person. Needless to say, the night got messy and when I was jolted awake by my alarm at six this morning, I’d lost a shoe but acquired a snoring, stinking heap of regret. Slamming the front door before he’d even zipped up his flies, I felt the same sense of relief you get when you toss out your empties – once it’s gone it never happened.

Except it did happen and here we are, waiting to see what happens next. My finger on the grenade, primed to toss it into the midst of his happy little family in a heartbeat, I’m aware of him reaching out, plucking the report from his wife’s fingers. “Luke’s always struggled in English,” he smiles nervously, “Just as long as he’s trying his best.” The wife is briefly thrown but he’s already on his feet, leaving her with little option but to follow suit. Relief floods the kid’s face as he instinctively realises he maybe just dodged a bullet. Leaning back in the hard, plastic chair, forcing myself to breathe, I watch as they look around for the next teacher, the report back in the wife’s hand.

Glancing down, I count six sets of parents standing between me and a bottle of gin. I’m almost in the clear but not out of the woods yet. There are always the last minute stragglers with the potential for surprise. 


19 Comments

Has class ever been more relevant? 

2/16/2015

10 Comments

 
Anybody who likes films would be hard put not to notice that there is a bit of a renaissance at the moment for all things posh. The current batch of actors being favoured by casting directors and critics alike are all public school boys, educated at the finest educational establishments.

This is something that the actor, James McAvoy, recently chose to comment on (“It's a frightening world to live in, because as soon as you get one tiny pocket of society creating all the arts, or culture starts to become representative not of everybody but of one tiny part, and that's not fair to begin with, but it's also damaging for society."), causing a bit of a furore and accusations of reverse snobbery. The reality is though, as the government implements more and more stringent cuts to education and the arts, diversity is going to become a thing of the past. Nobody is suggesting that posh people can’t be talented but rather that there should also be room for people who may have had a less privileged start in life.

Politicians like to drone on about the ideal of a classless society but I don’t think class has ever been so relevant. During any recession, the chasm between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots’ invariably becomes more glaringly apparent but, it’s never seemed more so as the current government continues to wield its economic axe. The difference between what’s happening now and recessions that have gone before is the way in which education has been made the province of the wealthy. To be fair to Cameron and his cronies, they are only finishing what a Labour government started, but linking education to wealth is always going to be a massive step backwards for any society.

The biggest change that I have seen in my life time has been the obliteration of what was a working class to be replaced by a class of people, who are workless, skill-less and hopeless. I grew up in a working class community of proud, aspirational people. The word aspirational has, in recent times, almost become tarnished to mean something tacky and grasping. During my childhood, however, it was the bedrock of a community of people, whose sole aim was to see their children better educated, better empowered and with more life choices than they themselves had had. It was a word which saw immigrants arriving in this country with nothing but the desire to work hard to provide for their family and, within a couple of generations meant that their grandchildren’s futures were no longer defined by the steelworks or the mines.

In the community I grew up in, worth was linked to hard work and decency not to material possessions. It was a time when there were enough jobs for everyone and unemployment was seen as a stain on the character. Nobody I knew had big TVs or cars or any of the things that have come to represent status in our society. What they did have though was a pride in industriousness, houses that were clean and maintained by mothers who took satisfaction in the gleam of the windows or whiteness of the step. It’s easy to sneer at the way women channelled their energy, and no doubt wasted talent, on an obsession with ‘keeping house’ but, as more and more people’s lives seem to be mired in squalor, it begs the question – was the idea that the state of your house reflected the state of your character so far from the mark?

I’m not glorifying the past and nor am I suggesting that life, particularly for women, wasn’t restrictive but, in the working class of yesteryear, there was a sense of order and belonging that is missing from society now. The term working class has become something to be looked down upon. I work in schools where young people see being referred to as working class as an insult. The idea of it representing a class of people who work for a living is no longer valid. In fact, the working classes have disappeared and been replaced by a new ‘under class’. A group of people for whom social mobility must seem so far removed from their lives there’s no point in even hoping for anything.

The biggest blight on our society has been unemployment and it is this that has eradicated the traditional idea of the working classes. Estates which used to be home to communities of people who took pride in their homes and environment have become sink estates, where nobody would want to venture after dark. Four generations of unemployment have wiped out any desire for anything better than watching daytime TV and playing computer games. It’s easy to judge but long term unemployment would snuff out the zest for life in anybody.

In any civilised society it’s the job of all of us to imbue young people with the idea that, with hard work, commitment and resilience, they have the potential to realise their dreams. This may still be a universal truth for half of society, the half who were fortunate enough to be born into the world of ‘haves’ but what of the rest? What’s the point in encouraging a child who may want to be a doctor, actor or fashion designer when, even though they may have potential in abundance, they don’t have the necessary funds to gain a place in university, drama school or art college?

Okay, there may be loans that will pay for the course but it’s not as easy as that. What about the cost of living during the time spent learning their trade? I went to university at a time when education was free and full maintenance grants were available on top of that. Despite this, everyone I knew still had to work weekends and holidays to top up their money and so how is someone supposed to pay the full cost of rent, bills, food and all of the other expenses even a frugal existence demands? The reality is that by taking away free education our government has taken away the only hope of a better life for countless young people within our society.

So back to my original point, an artistic framework that reflects only the privileged will lead to a one dimensional and mediocre cultural life for everyone. If art imitates life then this should be a massive wake up call for all of us. If we deny talent a chance to flourish, it will be to the detriment of society as a whole. Talent does not co-exist with wealth and if we continue to pretend it does then a whole generation of potential will be squandered and can we really afford to lose that? 

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